I'm Leaving, on a Jet Plane

But I do know when I'll be back again, so don't worry about that.

Meanwhile, in orbit around Alpha Omicron VII...


https://youtu.be/DIw690VGt70

The Portland Food Pyramid

A cautionary tale: this is what happens when you spend too much time on social media.

On Thursday, I tweeted about my lunch at Burgerville. Technically, I guess it was a sub-sub-tweet, since I didn't mention the name of the restaurant or even the specific food items (pepper bacon cheeseburger, waffle cut fries, chocolate milkshake). Anyway. My fellow Portlandians Wink and Brian added their own remarks, and then Larry cascaded it into a very cheesy conversation.

Meanwhile, on Facebook—where my tweets get auto-cross-posted—others continued the ad hoc comedy workshopping. And because I have nothing better to do on a Friday night than answer Puzzled Pint e-mails and watch Downton Abbey, I decided to turn my hasty sketch into something more suitable for Thomas to post in his kitchen.

Here's the original:

@sparCKL/566073118629048320/photo

And now (drum roll, please) the new hotness:

snout.org/pfp

The pictured foodstuffs are (top to bottom, left to right):

• Hot Sauce: Secret Aardvark Habanero Hot Sauce
• Beer: Puzzled Pint (logo by Victor Asteinza; not actually food, but definitely a Portland institution!)
• Whiskey: Eastside Distilling Burnside Bourbon
• Butter: Tillamook Butter
• Caffeine: Stumptown Coffee Cold Brew "Stubby"
• Chocolate: Moonstruck Milk Chocolate Mayan Bar
• Fat: raw bacon (stock photo by Floortje)
• Salt: J&D's Bacon Salt (actually a Seattle company, but I'll allow it because BACON SALT)
• Starch: Kenny and Zuke's Pastrami Cheese Fries (photo by Robyn Lee for Serious Eats)
• Sugar: Voodoo Doughnut Maple Bacon Bar

I'm not sure when in the process the diagram became Portland-specific, but it just felt right. Also note that everything is covered in cheese because come on why wouldn't you do that.

If this infographic amuses you, <zoidberg>HOORAY!</zoidberg> And Happy Valentine's Day? Feel free to share the permalink: http://snout.org/pfp

So that happened.

This concludes tonight's episode of How's Curtis Wasting His Goddamn Time Now? Come back next week for more frivolity. Or just follow me on Twitter if you simply cannot wait that long.

<3 CKL

I Saw These Videos for the First Time Last Week

And I must share them with you. I must!

First up, an Australian PSA demonstrating the terrifying consequences of illiteracy:


http://youtu.be/STHpMUYeznQ

Next, a genre-riffic advertisement for a vocational school in Perth:


http://youtu.be/4Am7oKBD3PU

Both of those were made by comedy duo Henry & Aaron, who also produced this seven-minute-long NSFW "Perfectly Adequate Christmas Special" (WARNING: includes profanity and Santa Claus).

And now for something (almost) completely different:


http://youtu.be/zWH_9VRWn8Y

Which leads, of course, to Where's Waldo?


http://youtu.be/EvWh6PMi9Ek

That is all.

I Am in the One Percent

...of unsolicited stories which were accepted for publication in Cohesion Press' upcoming military horror anthology SNAFU. Just signed the contract last night! Here's the cover:

Per the official announcement: "Out of a total of just over 1100 submissions, only 11 made it into the final ToC." That means I'm in the top ~1% of unsolicited submissions, and that ain't nothing. Plus, according to the back cover copy, I may also be one of "some of the best writers working in the field today." Aw, shucks.

In related news, I've been reading Weston Ochse's SEAL Team 666, and I can understand why (1) he's an internationally best-selling author and (2) the book was immediately optioned by Metro, with The RockDwayne Johnson attached to star.

Lady Grey Strikes Back!

Jasper here! Earlier this week there was an incident involving our beloved Food Robot and our somewhat disruptive house guest, Lady Grey! Everything is fine now, but I must report on these shenanigans!

It is possible that Lady Grey became aware that Food Robot is only designed to feed two cats, and since Tye and I have seniority in this household, she would always be the third wheel. It is also possible that this disparity came into stark relief when the humans were away for much of last weekend, and thus did not feed us as often.

But we do not deal in speculation! We are interested in facts! AND HERE ARE THE FACTS:

At 7:00 AM on Monday, November 5th, Food Robot delivered our breakfast as usual.



About twenty minutes later, Lady Grey approached Food Robot...



...and instigated a vicious and unprovoked attack! And yes, she is actually chewing on the blue tape which secures the ramp to the housing! Outrageous!




Moments later, summoned by Tye, one of the humans came along to document the crime scene.




And then we all went back to sleep for a while. The humans knew our next auto-feeding would not happen until 6:00 PM, so they had plenty of time to repair the damage.

BUT WAIT! Something else happened less than ninety minutes later, and it was caught on camera!



Really? Was that really necessary, Lady Grey? Really?



Sigh.

Though it took a few more hours, the humans eventually came to the rescue and rebuilt Food Robot! They also took the opportunity to improve the structural design of the ramp, as shown below!




(Those interested can view additional photographic evidence, or a complete video record from that day.)

I am happy to report that things are back to normal now, and Lady Grey has been behaving herself—more or less—since Monday!

So what have we learned? One, that Food Robot is vulnerable to feline interference; but we knew that already. Two, that Lady Grey is an inveterate troublemaker! Between this and chasing Tye and me all around the house, she is definitely ready to leave and go to her own home!



Please adopt Lady Grey! Contact the humans for more information.

Not an Actual Business Discussion

As seen on Twitter*:

And the song in question:


http://youtu.be/zhd-kiXDhis

That is all.

* "Twitter is for dick jokes." - Mike Monteiro

Friday Flash Fiction: "That's Entertainment"

This one's for my friend Jeff, who once posited that if humans ever develop faster-than-light travel, the adult entertainment industry will be the first to find a way to capitalize upon the new technology.

Read "That's Entertainment" at 512 Words or Fewer

Postcard #26

This is Tiffani's first year of eligibility for the Campbell Award, thanks to the publication of her story "If Wishes Were Horses" in Strange Horizons. Her personal life has gone through some unpleasant upheavals recently, but she's now making a fresh start in Ol' Blighty. I wish her all the best--especially now that I've introduced her to Lisa. It's really only a matter of time before the two of them join forces and take over the world.